Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
