Only a mothe r could love this liver
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i think i just lost a toe
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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