she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
