I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
