Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
