If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
