I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
