The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Come see our sink grown plant.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize