So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
