why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
