If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
