it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
