You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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