why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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