I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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