it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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