not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
