can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
