i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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