peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize