I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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