I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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