So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
