First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
