Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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