I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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