At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
