you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It's never too late to be topless.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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