I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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