VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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