flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
