Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
