Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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