Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So much Jack, so little girl.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize