I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
