Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
