I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
