i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
