we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
