Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
