I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
