Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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