Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
