hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
