i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
