why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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