Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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