yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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