i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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