the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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