Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
