I molested 6 butterflies tonight
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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