you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
