ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
our cab driver is having phone sex.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
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