I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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