Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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