i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
