All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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