final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
