I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
