i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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